Mdm Clarice Westwater In The House. Guest blogger.
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Posted 21 August 2009 - 04:45 PM
JC's House, that is. The one and only savior, apart from Jean-Paul Gaultier. My name is Clarice Westwater. Madam Clarice Westwater. Deaconess Clarice Westwater. Serving alongside Pastor Petey Huckalby, I co-host the popular religious Netcast, Metropoleis Messianic Minute. Last year, Metropoleis Ministries (MIII) heeded the demand of our male parishioners for a more immersive spiritual experience. One that is immediate and tactile. January 6, 2010, will mark one year since the archbishop's blessing of MIII Ministries newest parish here in Las Vegas, Our Lady of the Blessed Va-jj. A hybrid church and brothel, OLBV combines the best of piety and poonany. Since we are a recognized church with 501(3)(c ) status, a parishioner's donation for any sexual services received can be listed as a deduction on federal income tax returns.
Now that we've dispensed with the formalities, it's down to the business of sex and salvation. Here at MIII Ministries, we believe you cannot have one without the other. People have attempted to separate the two for millennia with disastrous results: buggered acolytes, lecherous laymen, polygamous pastors, rape, genocide, domestic violence, misogyny and impure thoughts involving the Virgin Mary. Presumably all without God's acquiescence. Distracted by a kettle of cosmic soup boiling over in another galaxy, or Aphrodite's bootilicious hot pants, God was asleep at the wheel while his progeny misbehaved. Given recent world events, periodic distraction has become a full blown case of narcolepsy, leaving mankind largely to its own devices in curbing antisocial behavior.
The SexAgain religious doctrine. As of late there has been a lot of fuss made about being "born again" – renewing your celestial vows to JC. MIII Ministry clergy believe that honoring one's vows to a wife or husband is burdensome enough without getting the Lord mixed up in the affair. We attempt to limit our threesomes to recreational play. Metropoleis embraces a more holy, holistic and healthy approach towards eternal bliss. One incorporating mind, body, spirit and va-jj. If God imbues us with spiritual life, it is the blessed vagina that imbues spirit with corporeal form. As such, the true function of the va-jj, apart from keeping men off the golf course, is not procreation, but reconnecting flesh with holy spirit. The Blessed Va-jj is the portal through which the divine spark is viewed; through which God's intent for mankind is best and most clearly articulated. The Blessed Va-jj is the holy sacrament through which our congregation attains clarity of purpose and purity of spirit. It is the Blessed Va-jj through which our parishioners reconnect with JC's gospel and God's grace; stepping onto the orgasmatronic disco dance floor of salvation to be christened as integrated and harmonious spiritual-sexual sentient beings; to become "SexAgains". Can I hear an Amen!
Historical Foundation. After a decade long collaborative research effort with theologians and social anthropologists from all corners of the globe, MIII Ministries' religious historians have concluded that the enigmatic lost Holy Grail is not lost, nor is it enigmatic. The Holy Grail is the Blessed Va-jj. Its purifying nectar is available to all sinners who seek out its curative powers and correctly genuflect with the tongue. Va-jj is available in abundance to our congregation. Available in all sizes, shapes, colors, ages, ethnicities and six different languages. Available in a variety of sacramental modalities, including but not limited to: lingerie parties, reverse cowgirl, doggy-style, Sapphic tag-team, BDSM, inverted missionary, 1/2 & 1/2 and Greek.
There are many paths to our Lord and all manner of spiritual guides to help you down your chosen path. Some find the road to enlightenment easier to navigate with an MIII nun suited up as secretary or cheerleader; others prefer reciting scripture while being spanked by a dominatrix. Foot/shoe fetishes, Catholic school girls, or a spirited round of 'put the dildo in the Pentecostal' – our sensuous, playful, uninhibited, youthful and limber handmaidens are dedicated to your spiritual rebirth as a SexAgain. Our God is accepting of all sexual orientations, so Metropoleis choir boys often find themselves doing double-duty, but it's all in the name of saving souls.
Suck on This. As many of you know, MIII Church is housed in a decommissioned convent and adjoining basilica. Across the cloister that surrounds the basilica, nun cells and storage rooms have been entirely renovated and converted to private pleasure centers. The facility has been appointed with the finest furnishings and linens. Each of our 45 rooms contains bed, full baths, Jacuzzi, wet bar and even wetter nuns. All provided to ease your transition into God's light.
While Pastor Petey and I work hard to keep services lively and topical, sitting for an hour on a cold oak pew tries the resolve of the most devout Christians. Should the need for spiritual fortification arise mid-sermon, as is often the case given the sculpted and oiled physiques of our Metropoleis End Times Dancers, the basilica's apse has ante rooms that afford privacy and revelry. We do our best to have three or four topless clergywomen stationed in the apse during services to accommodate such spiritual epiphany.
My sincere appreciation to Virtual Vice Media Inc. for hosting my blog.
See you in church, my darlings!
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