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Shauna Sand Lamas' Phallus of Youth

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#1 Jason M. Kays

Jason M. Kays


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Posted 05 November 2009 - 06:04 PM

Shauna Sand Sex Tape

The E! Entertainment channel debuted another star vehicle this past weekend, the 'reality' series, Leave it to Lamas. Headlining the cast of horribles is career narcissist, Lorenzo Lamas. Offspring from Lamas' four failed marriages serve as props on the contrived and controversial reality show. E! describes the show, to wit, "Follow the outrageous antics and hilarious family dynamics of famous Hollywood clan . . . ." A descriptor that is used interchangeably to hype dozens of D-List 'day in the life' E! pabulum voyeur-fests.

What E! programming suits were not expecting was an unscripted, genuine "outrageous antic". Courtesy of Lamas' ex-trixie, numero quatro, Shauna Sand. Controversy surrounding the show was not the result of Lorenzo's hair extensions, his man-slut son, or controlling girlfriend, an exploitative showbiz publicist. The very weekend the show premiered, porn peddler Vivid Entertainment announced the availability of a sex tape starring ex-wife Sand. Vivid's legal team brokered the purchase of the 'stolen' tape from an anonymous third party. In the Kardashian-esque porno, Sand is shown overacting in an orgasmic endurance contest with various abused sex toys, including an uncredited boyfriend-cum-human dildo, 15 years her junior.

Vivid Promo Still

Years of sun worship left the former Playboy Playmate with severe epidermal atrophy and collagen depletion. The aesthetic toll included elephantine skin and fossilification of her anime breast implants. Sand elected to undergo a radical Sumerian mummification procedure last year. Under the ruse of convalescing following a heliskiing accident in Switzerland, physicians trained in the dark arts removed all non-essential organs and replaced her blood with embalming fluid.

Hooker Heels

Emboldened by her new lease on life, the reanimated Sand developed an unquenchable thirst for the spermatozoa of the 20-something eurotrash men populating Miami's beaches. She targeted young, European men, as the mandatory Speedos allowed for easy access. Laying her blanket within striking distance of her victim, the femme fatale would lull her prey into a trance like state with an iPod Shakira dance mix and tube of bronzer. When distracted by a younger bimbette, Sand would pounce, releasing his member from its Lycra confines and sucking it dry. Letting out a cackle and belch, the fellatio domina would hurriedly scurry off sideways across the beach. Shauna Sand-crab would shuttle stealth-like towards her next waxed and preened Euro-boy. The succubus would feed upon a dozen or more metrosexuals before returning to her lair, her gut brimming with the ingested seed of that day's bounty. With the odd serendipitous luring of penis parfait back to her beach home, the she-wolf would proudly document her newfound sexual prowess with HD camcorder.

Which is the sex doll, which is Shauna?

One of her conquests had connections to the San Fernando adult entertainment business. Soon, Vivid's talent scouts came knocking with a proposition. Not unlike the deal struck with Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee, Vivid would contract with Sand and stunt-dick of her choosing as feature talent to shoot a 20 minute porn short. Both would be paid a pre-negotiated performance fee. Vivid would promote the tape as an amateur home video to exaggerate the voyeur component. The reality would differ markedly from marketing fiction: Vivid would staff the project with a director, DP, lighting engineer, camera, sound men and editors. Loads of editors. A "fluffer" and ready supply of Viagra would be on hand to facilitate the gruesome task of mounting the aged freak. While her partner appeared to have a pulse, Sand's much maligned 38 year old body was airbrushed to the extent that she is indistinguishable from an inflatable sex doll. The only distinction being that a sex doll is comprised of fewer man made materials.

Succubus Strikes Again!

To lend intrigue and taboo to the titty-fest, Vivid would manufacture a cover story, claiming in the press release to have procured the pilfered tape from a shady third party, who may or may not have been complicit in theft of said tape. Vivid primed anticipation and maximize market share by pushing back release of the tape, citing threat of legal action by the 'accidental' porn star.

Shaping Tomorrow's Youth Today

Genuine legal conflicts are never resolved within a week or two. Injunctions issue. Civil complaints and counter claims are filed with the court. Discovery is performed over a period of months. Litigants are lucky to secure a court date six months from initiation of the legal action, given backlogged California court dockets. Proceedings are further delayed by attorney settlement negotiation to avoid costly litigation.

Unless the threatened legal action is a contrivance to pump up demand, as is the case here, where purported legal action delays release of the footage to the buying public all of . . . wait for it . . . five working days. Following the five day land speed record for legal resolution of misappropriation of publicity rights, privacy invasion and distribution of stolen property, global cougar fans are more than happy to pay a premium for an abbreviated flesh flick: three or four fold the price of admission for standard fare.

The 'understanding'

Further trying credulity is Lorenzo Lamas' incongruous response to release of the tape. The weekend the tape hit Vivid's website, Shauna Sand stopped by Lamas' house to drop off their three daughters pursuant to the couple's custody agreement. This is Lamas' first opportunity to 'share' his feelings with the mother of his children after screening of her poonany by millions of men and women. How does Lamas respond? By offering Sand, in writing, a pledge that he won't raise the issue to modify joint custody: "I, Lorenzo Lamas, will not seek custody of my minor children with Shauna Sand. Even in the event of a release of a sex tape with her and her boyfriend."


Perhaps debut of the tape coinciding with debut of Leave it to Lamas was not intended to benefit Shauna Sands, alone: it may well have been orchestrated to benefit both actors. This speculation is given credence by the fact that the story arc of Leave it to Lamas' first episode explores the rift between Lorenzo and son, AJ. Why the rift? Because AJ alleges he carried on an affair with Sand while she was married to AJ's father. A depiction of the black widow that provides the perfect context and emotional charge for release of a sex tape profitable enough to benefit both Lamas and Sand.

Truth is often stranger than fiction, but life is always stranger than 'reality' shows. Sand's paramour, Romain Chavent, may have been correct when he opined, "She can be crazy. Life a buffalo."

Yours in Sweet Sin,

Mdm. Clarice Westwater

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