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Beatified Boobs -- Miss California Sex Tape

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#1 Jason M. Kays

Jason M. Kays


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Posted 14 November 2009 - 01:15 PM

Carrie Prejean's tits are one step closer to sainthood. Under the Catholic Canon law reform of 1983, in lieu of martyrdom, one miracle is required of the candidate for beatification. Miss Ex Cali's performance Tuesday on CNN's Larry King Live nicely accomplished both.

Carrie miraculously managed to fluster the catatonic talking head when she threatened to walk off the set mid-interview. The softball King had innocently queried Prejean about motivation for her abrupt decision to drop the civil suit against the Miss California Beauty Pageant. Miss Ex Cali went apoplectic. Chastising King as if he were an errant child, the Queen admonished, "Larry, you are being highly inappropriate," removed her mic and ordered about her man servants to assist in a hasty exit.

At the time of the interview, every gossip rag from France to Lichtenstein had revealed that Prejean's explicit sex tape was behind the detente with pageant organizers. The tape's premier was not without drama, intrigue and fanfare. Presented by pageant attorneys as a private viewing for Prejean, as the video's breakthrough star moaned, writhed and contorted, Miss Ex Cali's first reaction was to declare, "That's disgusting." Moments before the camera panned from engorged labia to a closeup of Prejean's orgasmic mug.

Prejean dropped her law suit within minutes of sharing this special moment . . . with her mother, present for the hoe-down. The porn video was not news, nor was King's question unexpected. Apparently Miss Ex Cali's team of overworked publicists had coached her in how to respond to the inevitable question: walk off the show. No answer to the topical question would generate as much press for her new book as would storming off an internationally televised talk show.

No doubt the plasticine princess would have followed her script had King not deviated from his. Prejean's feigned bout of indignity was interrupted when King double-flipped the poptard from frying pan to fire. The call-in talk show host had the temerity to actually take a call. Apparently in defiance of a tacit agreement that Prejean would happily provide saccharin, scripted answers to questions her team had supplied the show, but not take part in an actual interview.

The caller asked Miss Ex Cali how she would respond to the legions of gay men that follow beauty pageants and supported her . . . up until she threw that sector of the population under the bus by denouncing gay marriage as an unholy union: "What would you gave them as advice if they wanted to get married?" Prejean went from apoplectic to dyspeptic. With forlorn countenance of the last sow standing at a Savannah cotillion, she found herself immobilized by that very thing she railed against at her neo-con pep rallies, political correctness. The born-again-bigot thought about lobbing a diversionary Sodom & Gomorrah cherry bomb at God's abomination, but the caller was far too polite and poised to go all Spanish Inquisition on his ass.

The diva, thwarted again by a gay man, was forced to sit though the remaining minutes of the interview in order to deflect and reestablish her hypnotic hold over America's bible belt. Dismissing the question as another instance of King's "inappropriate" refereeing, Prejean clumsily segued to share the success of her recent Scared Straight tour of local children's hospitals.

As Miss Ex Cali limped through the last segment of the show, the truth threatened to disrupt Prejean's fabricated reality in a much more profound way. Her formative years had been revisited, reworked and scripted for middle-America's consumption, as had the disastrous interview. Since the untimely emergence of her sex tape, Prejean's PR flacks had been vigorously petitioning the hapless recipient of her impromptu skin flick to perjure himself in a written statement by claiming the love machine was a Lolita. If the beauty queen's courtiers could convince the public the subject of the tape was a minor, that would serve as a big stick in slowing distribution of the finger-banging frolics as child porn.

Two problems were presented Prejean's pimps: (1) Miss Ex Cali's ex was not willing to be an accomplice in the beauty queen's manufactured, revisionist history by lying about her age. (2) The ex-boyfriend explained to Prejean's spin-masters that the tape in question was one of approximately sixteen the all-American exhibitionist gleefully whipped up for her libidinous plaything. Perhaps more awkward, the pageant porn was not solicited.

The 21 year old auteur was adamant about sharing her sacramental secretions with her new love interest, inundating the poor lad with so many clitoral cameos that, post-Prejean, mere mention of a pageant causes his manhood to chafe. Subsisting almost entirely on the professional narcissist's diet of cocaine and flattery, Prejean demanded repeated reassurance from her phallus that her tiara left him most turgid of them all. She needed constant affirmation of her physical beauty and sexual prowess.

Given how paramount physical appearance is in defining herself, it comes as no surprise that in a recent interview appearing in Christianity Today, Miss Ex Cali defends breast augmentation surgery as God's will:

On reconciling her breast implants with her Christian faith:
No, I don't think there's anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian. I think it's a personal decision. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants.

We here at Our Lady of the Blessed Vajj could not be more in agreement, Miss Ex Cali.

Yours in Sweet Sin,

Mdm Clarice Westwater

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