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Virtual Vice by Jason M. Kays
Jason M. Kays

"On The Wings of Lust" -- Rozlyn Papa Sex Tape

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Man's Best Friend - Vienna Girardi

"She called me right after the engagement on the show to ask me if I'd be her maid of honor," cheered Girardi's best friend and pituitary circus giant, Rachael Todd." There's no wedding date yet but they're like little kids in love." {Miss Florida, Rachel Todd}


Cap'n 'Let's Get Physical' Jake

The day after filming wrapped, The Bachelor's newly minted fiancé contacted ex-girlfriend, Tanya Douglas, and (re)pledged his love. This, despite the fact the day prior, Pavelka had proposed to the show's villain-turned-victor, Girardi. Douglas was reportedly relieved to receive the call, as the aviator and Ab-Master spokesman had neglected to inform her that she was an "ex". Douglas and Pavelka had, themselves, made recent marriage plans. And sorority girls across the nation again wept.


How, you ask, could a girlfriend interpret participation in a 'pin-the-vajj-on-the-pilot' love fest as anything other than an exit? Perhaps Douglas saw her beloved's involvement with the show as an attempt to advance a fledgling acting career. After all, this was Pavelka's second foray into the cultural wasteland of reality TV, having previously come out on the losing end of the rose in The Bachelor's slutty-sister-counterpart, The Bachelorette. The Love Commando was a thespian-in-training, having taken acting courses to inspire more creative pickup lines for those long layovers in foreign port of fornication.


Government Issued 'Shock & Awe' Boobs


Cap'n 'Love-you-long-time' swore to Douglas that the gaggle of giggling silicone enhanced carnivores vying for frequent flyer miles "meant nothing" to him. That he "was forced" to propose to Girardi. Snap! Back to the Everglades for Princess Boob-a-Lot?


Like Tanya Douglas, Giardi is also a Florida native. And trouble. Big Double-D trouble. The twenty-three-year-old divorced Florida marketing rep cleaned out her ex-husband's savings while he was deployed to Iraq to pay for new boobs. The other women repeatedly warned Pavelka that Giardi used tits and taunts to divide and conquer. A mongoose in the hen coop.


Hobbit Master, Ryan Callahan - Producer


"When I'm not pretending to be a former American Gladiator, I enjoy telling strangers intimate details about my life from behind the safety of my computer. In addition, I'm probably better than you. Unless you have won the Heisman or Daddy Trophies, in which case, good on you." {Ryan Callahan, Ex-Producer, ABC's The Bachelor}


Scheming Vienna's pooty politicking paled when sided against the show stopping antics of single mother and aspiring porn star, Rozlyn Papa. During the show, Papa saw fit to keep her vajj fit by practicing Kegel exercises on Hobbit Master and Bachelor night producer, Ryan Callahan. The coochie calisthenics with Callahan violated ABC's talent contract. Each of the fembots contractually commits all happy-bits to an exclusivity clause. All twenty-five vajj's were bound by a non-compete clause for the duration of the chattel challenge. Her ride on the Hobbit Master left Papa's pooty in breach of contract. Rozlyn's poonany was Cap'n Jake's alone to pilot or punt.


Roz 'The Vajj' Papa


As fate would have it, Bachelor host Chris Harrison did the punting. He saw Papa's pooty as problematic early on. The coquettish concubine first flashed her cunny during a group photo shoot. The first of many cooch cameos. Contestant Jessie swore "on her dog's life" that she stumbled upon Rozlyn and Cocksman Callahan swapping spit in a stairway. Fembot Christina cooed she caught The Roz playing pocket pool with the producer's troll treats. Perhaps most damning, Stepford-wife-wannabe Ella told of the night Roz wagged her boyshort clad bum in come-hither fashion and summoned the Hobbit Master to "tuck her in". Or was that, "tuck it in"? Short of the Heimlich maneuver being applied to dislodge Callahan's cock from Papa's trachea, the strumpet's carnal catnip could not have been more conspicuous. Host Harrison showed the harlot the door.


Vienna & BFF, Miss Florida Rachel Todd


"I had a relationship with someone on the show that didn't benefit them," Rozlyn said, referring to the network and the show's senior producers. "We remained really close but we are not dating now," Rozyln Papa said of the since-fired producer and cocksman, Ryan Callahan.


Not content with one nationally televised indignity, The Roz reportedly staged a "My loins are not chaste?" press release. A Los Angeles porn producer trumpeted the forthcoming debut of not one, but a 'greatest hits' collection of sex tapes. Conspicuously absent were the injunction and attorneys' protestation that routinely follow when a "third party" announces he is brokering a "stolen" *wink wink* celeb sex tape. One of the tapes allegedly features Rozlyn dining on a "well endowed male". Apparently not the Hobbit Master.


Roz Kill - 'On the Wings of Lust Producer, Ryan Callahan


Meanwhile, back in Oz: Where does this leave the Jake-Tanya-Vienna love triangle? It would appear that Douglas' designs and Pavelka's polygamy are both on ice, as Jake, with Vienna in tow, have moved to Los Angeles where America's sweetheart preps for his next network gig -- as contestant on Dancing with the Stars. Circus pituitary giant and Girardi crony, Rachel Todd, is doing her Miss Florida best to perpetuate the charade, "Vienna called me right after the engagement to ask if I would be her maid of honor. There's no wedding date yet but they're like little kids in love!" Ain't love grand?


Yours In Sweet Sin, Mdm Clarice Westwater





Dear Parishioners, ABC dug deep in its cynical cerebrum to concoct the much maligned but hugely popular tripe-fest, The Bachelor, On the Wings of Lust. In this season's offering, the fourteenth in the franchise, twenty-five lovelorn lassies clawed and excreted their way into the elusive heart of Captain Jake Pavelka. And did this Machiavellian mammary melee yield love's bounty? It is with heavy heart that I report true TV love, once again, has been revealed as ruse. Sorority girls across the nation wept as dreamy Jake Pavelka gushed to media hucksters about his bug-eyed betrothed, Vienna Girardi, "I have never had this much heat in a relationship . . . it's like a fairy tale every day." An abridged Grimm's fairy tale.

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